So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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