btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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