her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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