So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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