Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
