She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Is it because I queefed?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
