im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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