he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
