so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
