Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
