Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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