WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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