what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
