I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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