if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My vagina is officially offended.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize