i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
