I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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