Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
