I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
