You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's never too late to be topless.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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