We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's shark week go big or go home
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
