we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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