Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
