i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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