is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
