I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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