When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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