I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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