Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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