How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
