you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
