You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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