So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
