Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
