how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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