My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
