Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
