Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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