Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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