There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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