seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
