the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
