seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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