OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
