i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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