paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Someone signed my nipple.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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