The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
