I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
