You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
