This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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