Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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