Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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