You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
