yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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