You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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