he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
