after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
